I’m writing this four hours before I need to get up to go babysit for my cousin. I have this really bad habit of getting so anxious about needing to get enough sleep before something that I end up not being able to sleep. My head has just kind of been swimming and I’ve been meaning to write something for the Zillionaire for a while now, and I’m not sleeping anyways. No time like the present!

I feel like I’ve been pretty out of wack lately. The last couple of months. Which is a long time to be out of wack. It has been a rough year, cosmically. Sometimes I worry that the things that happened this year may have changed me fundamentally and I’ll always have this heaviness with me. I know we’re supposed to change and all but I feel like I’m losing my sparkle.

What scares me though is how this could affect my relationships, my friendships. I have never been a good liar, I blush easily and I know I have like six different tells that give me away when I’m trying to hide something. Usually I don’t mind, you know? Keeps me honest! I’m always suspicious of people who brag about being good liars anyways. Why do you have so much practice, huh? Are you some kind of liar???

And besides, what’s wrong with wearing your heart on your sleeve?

It has become a different animal in the face of grief, though. It kind of feels like when you realize you’re embarrassing yourself in a social situation but it’s too late to go back and now you have to watch it unfold and live with the consequences. Except instead of embarrassing yourself you’re just being kind of a bummer. Maybe you’re not outright talking about how awful everything is or crying, you could just be quiet, kinda sullen, staring off, or not being able to look people in the eye for very long, and you know that your friends, who know you so well, can tell. Buzzkill! Every time this happens it increases the average number of times I have been a bummer at a function and the times I have been a sparkly, charming, fun person are seeming very slim in comparison these days. Which leads me to the next predicament:

“Should I stay or should I go?”

If I don’t want everybody thinking I’m some sick sad pup all the time, should I just never go to an event when I feel bad? Or should I go with hope in my heart that I will feel better? Going feels like it’s at the expense of both the vibe of the function and my reputation as a fun person. And staying home feels like admitting defeat, but also… enough absence creates an air of mystique. Maybe I can replace my sparkle with mystique.

Some of you may be thinking, “You should always go! Your friends love you and they want to see you, even when you feel down! That’s what friends are for!” That’s very sweet of you and my friends do love me and I love them. But let’s not pretend we all haven’t known someone who is constantly “going through a lot” and does bring with them a legitimate aura of negativity. But I don’t know, maybe I am overly critical and too sensitive to vibes. Either way, I do think there is something selfish about that. Placing yourself on a pedestal of eternal suffering. It’s not fair to your friends, they got shit going on too! At what point does the relationship become one sided? And it’s not fair to you either, because what you’re saying is that you don’t think people will love and care about you unless something bad is happening to you. Tsk tsk. Not nice. You are trapping them and not believing in yourself!

My point is, if I feel like I can’t keep a lid on the heaviness when I’m out and about, do I risk becoming that person to my friends? I don’t know, but it seems like a good thing to keep an eye on. And hell, maybe it’s too self important of me to assume I’m having that much of an impact on things at all! I think what’s important is making sure your friends know you appreciate them and that you’re there for them too, regardless of what you have going on.

I really don’t know if I have a graceful way to resolve this. I think maybe, like most of the issues in my life, I might be overthinking it. I think it’s okay to sit a night out every once in a while, or just leave when you start feeling bad. But I don’t think that should equate to full stoic hermetism, shutting your friends out to suffer alone. You gotta get out and party sometimes even when you’re sad, it’s good for you.

Realistically, I don’t think I’m losing my sparkle. Every now and then when I’m in a situation with people who can’t read me so well I can turn the charm on and I feel more like myself. It’ll come back. Someone’s sparkle to me is a unique quality to them that is attractive or special, outside of looks or even personality, something kind of indescribable and maybe even a little spiritual. And if I put my paranoia to the side for a moment, I really don’t think it’s something you can lose for good. It’s an eternal quality of the soul.

I wish I could end this with an action plan or some kind of advice but I don’t really know what the best thing to do to feel better is. Maybe I need to get out of my head. Maybe I need to be more active in processing my feelings in the moment. Maybe I need to go out dancing and freak it all night long.

It probably won’t hurt to try them all.

It is now two hours and 50 minutes until I need to get up, so here I will leave you. Nothing can take your sparkle from you! Stay off of that pedestal!

Goodnight