Something I have felt like sharing, that is on my mind almost constantly, is where I stand with religion, specifically Christianity and Mormonism which I was raised in. People who know me well have heard me share thoughts about this more than a few times, but I’m hoping to maybe get a little deeper here with it as I scream it into the void.
I find that I generally still believe in God, and from time to time still have spiritual experiences- often when practicing repentance, forgiveness, and general revisiting the teachings of Christ. When I watch movies like Silence, Tree of Life, or Bad lieutenant, I feel fixated on those same things, in a good way that makes my life better. Sometimes though I also find myself not believing so firmly and feel very comfortable with the idea that there’s nothing beyond this, and it’s gotten to the point I think either way would be okay with me, however I think I will always return to those core Christian principles (really they’re similar in most faiths, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism).
Where I feel like screaming into the void, is the loss of community and communion that went away when I stopped practicing Mormonism (going to church, the temple, paying tithes, or living certain principles). I stopped going because I no longer believed certain domino effects. For example, just because I felt the spirit at church, or while reading the Book of Mormon, to me, no longer confirmed that the the book was historically authentic, or that Joseph Smith was the restorer of Gods truest church, or that there is only one true church, or that certain appointed apostles in the modern church are prophets, etc etc etc. To me these things feel much more disjointed in reality, and saying they have to be so connected is a fallacy. I find it very easy to believe some things and not others, where before it felt impossible!
So while I love many of my experiences in the LDS church, and miss it often, I also feel angry with principles I find to be untrue. The 2 biggest things I struggle with are that they believe there’s only one true church (and with how much they change, repeal, hide, or are just church widely inconsistent about, it seems it can’t possibly be the ONLY true one), and the other maybe bigger one for me, is that we can all recieve revelation, but if my revelation isn’t what the church says to be true, then I must have been deceived. There are other things like homosexuality and other principles and policies I don’t believe, but to me it mostly still falls under those big two things.
I feel lonely in my belief, believing some things and not others. It’s not that I just want people to agree with me, it’s that I genuinely want a place to worship and practice openly that accepts my beliefs, and that I would also accept theirs. I wanted that to be the LDS church for a long time, but I found myself too often being strongly opposed and also being the one opposing. Every now and then I’ll have a spiritual conversation with a buddy, that always seems to land somewhere with them saying “well I think you’re a good person and are doing okay”, and I’m partially comforted by that but also, what the fuck? That’s not my concern! My concern is that I’m hella confused and have no where to really share this comfortably, or a place to really practice spiritual principles I believe to be true. The closest I get is AA meetings, which are so full of old people who can’t tell the difference between talking about repentance or grace, and seeking attention. I think the reality is Mormonism is like my first language, and will always feel the most comfortable to me, even when I don’t believe it all. This makes me feel so disconnected and estranged.
Sometimes I want someone to just give me the answer, and I know that will never happen. I also believe answers will only come from a divine source and I should be doing better to seek that way, through prayer, or even scriptures. However I have to admit, I have sought that kind of guidance in the past and this is where I’ve ended up, like the answer is I’m supposed to wrestle with God forever.
I wish it was as simple for me as it used to feel, or as it is for some of my friends. I just know I can’t deny certain disbeliefs I have and don’t think I will ever be able to. It would take something pretty big for me to go back to believing how I did, and include me changing into a very different person, and ignoring too many things I know and believe now. I feel so stuck, and I’ve felt this way for years. I kind of feel like I always will be.
But, I’ll still try praying tonight, and more often as a fresh start.
I know it can’t hurt.
Thanks!