Today I am thinking about how being self-aware. I am thinking about it in the way that I wonder: how good is it for us to really be self-aware at the end of the day? At what point in time did people start being aware of themselves in a social situation? When did a guy for the first time talk about something he was geeked out on too much to the shorties at a party, and they were like, “Nahhhhh”?
Obviously, at some point in time we were only hunter-gatherers, and there was no need to be aware of yourself beyond an awareness of needs and having to provide for them. I am having a difficult time saying what it is I mean. I am trying to figure out when in the course of humankind it becomes evolutionarily necessary for us to have an awareness of how we sound to others or how we are coming across in a situation of some kind.
Now I am sure there is not a date we can pinpoint, but if I was to guess, it was probably at some time in the Renaissance or something. I can’t say for certain, but here is why I think that. I feel like society was governed by manners and rules for so long that interactions, even at parties or events, probably had to follow a strict code—or at least it seems that way. That is also only for higher society, so that actually is probably.
I am wondering though: if you were part of some kind of Anglo-Saxon fiefdom, could you be a particularly cool peasant because of how savvy you were in casual conversation? Did that matter at all? I think I’ll do some research and come back to this.
After the bare minimum amount of research, I think that probably all that mattered back then was if you were big and strong. Because it sounds like the communities really relied on each other to pull weight equally to get crops and stuff to survive winters, and that basically the only other way to impress a lady would be to do good in some kind of festival games or something. Maybe if you were a really good storyteller, then shorties would holler at you like crazy, but that just doesn’t really seem all that likely to me.
Regardless, I still wonder: when did people start worrying about being really self-aware or being really cool or making sure to establish to others that they are cool in some way? Some people are so self-aware they can’t really bring themselves to say anything at all. But when did that start happening? Is it just because they see someone make a real fool of themselves and then they decide that they never wanted that to happen, so they only say mean things to their friends about other people who talk a lot because they are scared to do so?
I think largely sarcasm is at fault. People are afraid to speak fully candidly because someone they are talking to might not be, and so they look dumb if they do?
I feel like that has something to do with it. When I lived in Africa, I had a really hard time at first because people there don’t really talk sarcastically at all. Like once I told someone I was nervous to give a talk and that I hoped I didn’t say anything too stupid, and the guy was like, “Yeah, me either,” fully serious. It’s so cool to talk to a guy like that where you just get exactly what they say. Everything is at face value for the most part, and then the nuance becomes paying attention to the things they don’t say—or if they’re being too quiet or something—then you know there is something going on.
Whereas here, you could be talking to someone and they could fully be like hating the conversation and saying dumb stuff, being rude to you, and a bunch of people would never pick up on it. I would assume this has happened to all of us at some point in middle school or something. I would also guess we have also all done that to someone else at some point, like maybe a weird guy is trying to talk to you and your friend, so you say goofy stuff, kind of making fun of them while they don’t know. Because they are being totally sincere, but I guess we don’t feel like they deserve our sincerity, because we are shrouding all that we say in cynicism and irony to give a litmus test to every person that we meet to see if they are our intellectual equal.
Obviously not everyone does this, but one person doing that to you even once is kind of traumatic and embarrassing, and then I feel like if that happens once, people act different forever. I think I just feel like if stuff like that never happened, and most people felt like they could express themselves without fear and be as excited as they want to be, the world would probably be a better place.
I think to a point my own being self-aware has helped me make friends in some regard and not scared people away or something. And the inverse has happened, where I was just talking without thinking, and it’s gotten me into some trouble quite a few times.
I guess I just envy people who don’t even get embarrassed. I feel so jealous sometimes when I hear a guy say something insane with like zero hesitation. Once I was talking to this guy and he asked me about a pool I had been swimming at on my Instagram story, and then told me about how he loves going to indoor pools and diving off the diving board with 100% sincerity, and just said it was so cool that we even got to go there. And I was like, damn, that’s so sick.
Or one time this guy I was talking to on the street was like, “I need to go,” and I was like, “OK, word, where are you heading?” And he just turned back and said, “Where the wind blows me,” and winked at me, and I was just like, damn, I wish I could do that. I could do that lowkey, but I would be in my head the whole time thinking, “This looks so dumb,” but he did it with no hesitation, and I was just wishing I could live in that world a little bit that he’s in in that moment, because he probably felt so badass, and honestly he looked super badass, and I was so mad. Because it was kind of stupid, but I don’t even know how to explain it—it just kind of worked because I know that he didn’t even care.
I harp on balance all the time, but I’m sure there is a silver lining in there somewhere that I can find where I can drop one-liners on strangers and mean it but not feel dumb about it.
I also remember in middle school when we would be in study hall or at lunch, all the Latinos would be posted in the corner just kissing and touching for so long, and they just had no shame about it. And I was thinking just like, damn, I wish I had that sort of passion where I could just make out with my girl in public with no hesitation, because that’s just so raw. I just don’t think I could because of that part of me that, as the observer, thinks it’s weird.
I think in old times in big cities and stuff, when people lived like 30 people in one big room, they were just boning in front of people and having sex in front of their kids and stuff, like that guy in that video talks about. I just think in the old times it didn’t matter as much.
It’s this weird thing where I feel like in the old times we used to have like really strict manners and stuff that would get taught to people—like in the 1800s or something, there was way more dinner etiquette and party rules about dancing and courtship and that kind of thing. But now our rules are so dumb.
Instead of manners, we have rules of engagement where if a girl follows you on Instagram first, that means she wants you to hit her line or something. Or that if you are texting someone too many times in a row, youse a freak.
Back in the days I used to just call shorties up if I was interested because I didn’t like texting, and some of them thought it was weird and some thought it was nice—so who knows. I feel like we like to have barriers up between us and people we don’t know that well so we can be sort of fake or something.
Texting is a lot less scary than being on a phone call for obvious reasons, but at the same time so much less information gets lost over a call than through a text. If someone doesn’t use the right emoji or they use one you aren’t familiar with its implication, then the entire message might be misconstrued or come across as passive-aggressive.
I wonder if in old times, when you were out of town and you had to write your lady a letter while you were at war, she would still read that shit and be like, “What the hell does that mean?” Or if they were more chill because you were at war.
If I wrote my girl a letter while I was at war and she sent something back that was like a short letter being like, “I love you, but what did you mean when you said the war is the most emotional thing you have ever experienced?” I might get kind of mad.
In closing I guess I just want to quit being sarcastic all the time so that people feel safe talking to me.