I want to come back and let you folks who read this know that this one doesn't really get off of the ground floor until a little ways in. I thought about taking the first chunk out but I think it helps you see where my train of thought was going on this one.

Sometimes I think about how I miss being told what to do a little bit. I don't really always love being told what to do, but there is a sort of ignorant bliss that comes with not having to make decisions and letting someone make the choice for you. Something that I hate when working a job is when you are not totally sure what you're supposed to be doing. I used to deliver parts for NAPA like four years ago, and there would always be this weird downtime when there were no deliveries for maybe an hour at a time. I would end up just sitting in the break room looking at my phone, and I could tell that there was maybe something I should be doing. But then my boss would come in to grab a drink and just say nothing, but I would always feel kind of like I was getting away with a crime—that me being on my phone was just slipping under the radar.

Then eventually he decided that when I was not busy with a delivery, I would need to clean the break room bathroom. But when you clean the break room bathroom every day and only like three people use it, it just doesn't really ever get that dirty, and it was a small room to begin with. So even if it was moderately dirty, it would only take maybe fifteen minutes maximum, and then I would just be back to being on my phone in the break room. Then eventually I would just clean the bathroom without him having to say anything, and he would come in and tell me to clean the bathroom and I would say I already did it, and he was just so blown away. I think partially because he was used to probably having to tell most of the people who worked there how to do everything, and also it was mostly just goobers who worked there.

There was a lady named Nancy that I liked to talk to who made me sad sometimes. She told me that she and her husband had both retired at sixty, and then he died when he was like sixty-three, and now she was just bored all day at home and home alone most of the time. So she just took this job to get out of the house. She also told me that Dick Van Dyke's kids went to her school and that she met him a few times, and that he was actually kind of rude. Who knows, though.

Anyways, my boss seemed at a loss at what to do with me because a delivery may come at any time, so he couldn't reasonably set me at any task that would take more than ten minutes—or one that I couldn't drop at any moment. It was funny because I could tell when he saw me in the break room it would always bother him, but he couldn't really find anything good for me to do. I was going to go on a tangent about this, but I feel like I want to think about Nancy more actually.

I think about her probably once a week honestly. I feel so bad for her. She told me her kids said that working at NAPA was beneath her and that she should quit because she had plenty of money. She told me that she told her kids if they want her to quit that job, then they need to come see her more, and they were like, "You know we can't do that," and so she was like, "I'm going to keep working at NAPA then." I was just like, "Damn, Nancy, that sucks," and she said, "Being old sucks ass, dude." She kept it so real. She told me this was the worst part of her life and that growing up they make it sound like retirement would be great, but they don't tell you what to do if your husband dies three years in. Obviously I'm paraphrasing, but that just messed me up.

It made me feel bad too because Nancy kind of just told me all of that unprompted. I'm pretty sure I just asked her how long she had worked there, and then she told me all that. I was sort of annoyed, I think, because I felt trapped in a classic coworker conversation where you think, "Damn, I don't want to know about your life at all," and they are telling you so much personal information. Usually it's just about how they have a goofy brother who did something weird or how their uncle is so rich you wouldn't believe it. But then sometimes it's like what Nancy is telling you, and it makes you sad when you think about it, and you say a little prayer that Nancy's family will go see her soon because you don't want to think about her in that big house all alone.

I think sometimes coworkers have the most tragic lives and also have some of the greatest crosses to bear. I think I will reflect on coworkers more later. But for now I will travel back to Nancy and wonder what she is doing. I think about old people often lately, and there is something so perplexing about them. I've noticed that for me, the older I get, the harder it is to talk to most old people. Sometimes you will meet a really cool old guy somewhere who tells you interesting stuff. What a treat that is. You all know what I mean—you meet an old guy on the plane who knows that he is interesting and hits you with all the bangers about the war and motorcycles and his first wife being a bitch and maybe being a sniper in the war.

But some old people, you talk to them and you're like, "What the hell are you saying?" They say stuff and you're just like, "Oh shit, you're the dumbest person alive." I don't really understand what happens there or what the disconnect is, but I feel it with my aunts and uncles sometimes where I used to talk to them about stuff all the time, and now I am at a loss for what to even say to them. I want to clarify I think they are all pretty smart, and this is especially with one side of the family where I talk to them and it is so draining. I feel like I am losing my social skills when I hang out with some of them. Maybe it's because we can't relate to each other anymore. Maybe old people have just seen too much and we are just way off of their wavelength, if you get me.

It does definitely feel like a "lost in translation" sort of thing where maybe I am just talking in too much slang or using terms from online without even thinking about it, and they just don't know how to respond. In my case though, I honestly doubt that. I think I am pretty good about knowing my audience when speaking, at least with the vernacular I use. I think I definitely forget my audience when I am trying to be funny and I'll pull out the tried and true for another crowd, and it does not go over well at the family Easter party. Maybe that's all it is, though, because I feel like so much of communication is sense of humor. If you can't figure out how to make someone laugh or what they think is funny, then there is a good chance you're not going to be friends with that

person. I think maybe when we are children it is so easy for us to be friends with many people or to like the vast majority of extended family because it is so easy to make a kid laugh. Pretend you are talking on the phone with a banana or do a funny dance and they are like, "Damn, this guy rocks." I think it was probably similar with old people back then too. They take you to the movies and buy you candy and you are like, "Damn, this guy is so cool, I want to hang with him all the time," but at the end of the day you don't know shit about that old person who took you to the movies. Then you get to that age where they tell you that you can bring a friend—which is maybe because they know you might not come if you can't. Damn! That is bumming me out. Being old probably sucks so bad. You have to like bribe people into spending time with you, and then the kids get old enough that there isn't really a bribe good enough.

But then you meet someone's grandpa and you're like, "What the hell? Where did this badass old guy come from?" and he's still got it like crazy. Old man Richard who I work with in Delta is still a little off my wave, which is to be expected, but that guy can really crack me up and will say stuff I quote all the time. That guy is like eighty-four? I just don't know what it is that makes all the difference, but you can always feel it. That guy does not have to bribe his grandkids to come hang out with him. I know some of them and they love to chill with that guy. I just get paranoid because I want to be like Richard, but I don't really know what that takes.

I was in Savers with my wife the other day and I saw some teenagers misbehaving, and I was so mad. I was at a loss for words. They were just cussing loudly in the Savers and saying weird cryptic stuff to strangers, and I froze. I had no clue what to do and I was just thinking to myself, "Why on earth do they want to do that?" But then I think back to a time where I would have thought that just saying some swears in public is awesome and daring even. I wonder how it is that we stay in touch with that young part of ourselves. They say in the Bible that we should be like a child, and I really think there's a lot of merit to that. I think when you are out of touch with young people, you kind of lose touch with the world. I feel like if you get to a point as an adult where you're like, "Dude, what is that mumbo jumbo music?" you've basically totally lost it.

Maybe it just comes down to keeping an open mind and being understanding. I think the answer to most problems is usually that simple, but it doesn't really feel like enough. I want to say also that if you act like you are too good to laugh at dirty jokes, I think you've also lost touch. I think there comes a time when it is unbecoming of a father or grandfather to make those kind of jokes, but you get what I mean. There are some things that are always universal though, and I think dirty jokes is one of them, and that if you think you are too good for that or to laugh at farts, you are taking yourself further away from everyone.

I think as a child we all begin in the center of things, and then we move away as we develop an ego. But if we can fight back towards the center, we can always relate to people. It probably has something to do with that feeling of disdain I had for those teens in the Savers, but I think the moment you can't see yourself in the thing you resent, you take yourself away from the center. Maybe old people just resent youth or refuse to understand it because there is a part of them that is jealous and can't reckon with that. It's a lot to chew on.